Must watch …Crank up the volumn
20Jan09 – Late Night Jokes by Jay Leno
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Category Archives: Late Night Shows
20Jan09 – Late Night Jokes by Jay Leno
Must watch …Crank up the volumn
MONK
MONK
NEW SEASON STARTS FRIDAY JAN 9TH 9 PM EST
MONK
MONK
NEW SEASON STARTS FRIDAY JAN 9TH 9 PM EST
Bush – Shoe Jokes as the world continues to Laugh
“George Bush is over there in Baghdad saying goodbye to the troops, and this Iraqi journalist heaves a couple shoes at the President. And we thought, hopefully that’s just a one-of-a-kind episode. Unfortunately, however, the news coming out of the Middle East is that Iran is developing a long-range loafer.” –David Letterman
“People are still discussing the shoe-throwing incident at our president. … It was reported today that the Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. And even worse, it was his shoe-throwing arm. That guy is out for the season.” –Conan O’Brien
[br "President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people can't afford to buy shoes." --Jay Leno
"That Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush the other day said he planned his attack for months. Planned it for months? That's what he said! I mean, take off one shoe. You throw it. You throw the other shoe. He planned it for months. And he still missed both times!" --Jay Leno
[br "The guy is being called a hero in the Arab world. So, he has this plan and it's a failure. And he's a hero. You know, if that's the standard, Bush would be the biggest hero in the Arab world." --Jay Leno
[br "Today, President Bush told reporters that the shoe-throwing incident was one of the weirdest moments of his presidency. Yeah, Bush said the only thing weirder was the time he got re-elected." --Conan O'Brien
"Have you watched this tape? Some people are criticizing the Secret Service, because the shoe thrower caught them off guard. The man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, 'Sorry, but we were laughing our asses off.'" –Conan O'Brien
"This is the country we thought had nuclear weapons. It turns out they have a pair of size 9 Hush Puppies instead." --Jimmy Kimmel "
It's not just President Bush, today somebody threw a pair of shoes at Sarah Palin. And she was very upset. She said, 'Do you have these in black?' and threw them back." --Jay Leno "
I've got to give President Bush credit for this, because he's taking it all pretty well. He says that he's actually happy about the shoe-throwing episode, because he says it proves finally that Iraq does, in fact, possess foot wear of mass destruction." --David Letterman
"It turns out this guy was described as a hot head. He's a guy who is an Iraqi journalist. They say he's a hot head with poor journalistic skills. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own show on Fox News." --David Letterman "Well, folks, looks like we finally found something President Bush is good at. Dodgeball!" --Jay Leno
"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him].
You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he’s never done before. Lean to the left. He’s never done that.” –Jay Leno
“You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he’s got good reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton’s an expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything.” –Jay Leno ”
Now, here’s my question, and no offense here, but where was the Secret Service? I mean, shouldn’t they at least have jumped in front of the second shoe? I mean, you know what I’m saying? Come on. Seriously. Aren’t these guys supposed to take a bullet for the president?” –Jay Leno ”
See, that’s when Bush realized he was on his way out, when the Secret Service are going, ‘Yeah, we’re guarding the new guy now.’” –Jay Leno
“Well, here’s my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, ‘Let me clarify what happened here.’ He said, ‘In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone’s head is considered an insult.’ Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it’s a huge compliment.” –Jay Leno
“Well, the interesting thing was the journalist who threw the shoe was immediately arrested, and then offered his own show on MSNBC.” –Jay Leno
“Bush is in Baghdad, he’s having a press conference, and a guy, a reporter from Iraq jumps up and starts heaving shoes at the guy. And in Iraqi, or Arabic, he starts screaming, ‘Here’s your farewell kiss, you dog!’ That’s what the guy says. I mean, it was the same goodbye I got from NBC.” –David Letterman
“Right now, they’re trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he’s a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it’s the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn’t even do a background check on him.” –David Letterman
“You’ve got to give Bush credit. I mean, the guy moved pretty quickly. … Too bad he didn’t react that way with bin Laden or Katrina, bin Laden or the mortgage crisis, bin Laden or Afghanistan, bin Laden or the Lehman Brothers.” –David Letterman
I don’t think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the Vietnam War.” –David Letterman “Yesterday, at a press conference in Baghdad, an angry Iraqi threw his shoes at President Bush’s head. Yeah, when he saw the shoes, President Bush said, ‘See, I knew you guys had weapons of mass destruction.” –Conan O’Brien
“The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he’ll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists.” –Conan O’Brien
Bill Maher – Jokes on BHO
“It’s official. For the next four years, it will be pronounced ‘nuclear’ [on screen: photo of Obama].” –Seth Meyers
“Americans have finally got beyond our racial past, and picked a black man to clean up our mess.” -Bill Maher
“Did you see Obama’s news conference today? Wow. I have to say, nice to see adults back in charge of government. The White House press corps, you could tell, they were ecstatic. It’s been years since they’ve heard a complete sentence.” -Bill Maher
Jimmy Kimmel – Jokes on OBAMA
“The only awkward moment was when Bush complimented Obama on his campaign. He said, ‘You did a heck of a job, Brownie.’” –Jimmy Kimmel
“I don’t want to say that the Obamas are overly confident, but they’ve already agreed to let Oprah use their house in Chicago as a place to keep her dogs.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Barack Obama was joined on stage by Bruce Springsteen in Ohio on Sunday. There was one tense moment when somebody in the audience yelled out, ‘Born in the USA!’ And Obama said, ‘For the last time, yes, damnit, I was!” –Jimmy Kimmel
David Letterman – Jokes on BARACK
“Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.” –David Letterman
“Everybody is kind of making up and getting back together. Senator McCain and President-elect Barack Obama met, got together and had a nice visit. And Barack Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick. And then Barack Obama said to McCain, Hey, I’m catching up with you. I just got a second home.” –David Letterman
“There was a little confusion at the meeting there at the White House when President Bush was told that Obama was coming. He said ‘Oh, you mean we caught him?’” –David Letterman
“And how about last night, when Barack Obama had his half hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God! It’s about time this guy got some media coverage, don’t you think?” –David Letterman
“But I thought it was one of those heartwarming infomercials. It had a wonderful ending. In the final scene Barack Obama is adopted by Angelina Jolie.” –David Letterman
“Ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama is our new president. And I think I speak for most Americans when I say, anybody mind if he starts a little early?” –David Letterman
Connon O'Brien – Jokes on Barack Hussain ObAmA!!!!!!!
“Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world.” –Conan O’Brien
“Last night, after Barack Obama was declared the winner, President Bush called Obama, promised to work with him to guarantee a smooth transition. Yeah. Yeah, when we heard this, Obama said, ‘Thanks, but you’ve done enough.’” –Conan O’Brien
“Oprah Winfrey says she plans to attend Barack Obama’s election night rally in Chicago. So win or lose, Obama is going home with a new car.” –Conan O’Brien
“Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: ‘Have you ever been videotaped screaming ‘God damn America!’?” –Conan O’Brien
Bush – Shoe Jokes as the world continues to Laugh
“George Bush is over there in Baghdad saying goodbye to the troops, and this Iraqi journalist heaves a couple shoes at the President. And we thought, hopefully that’s just a one-of-a-kind episode. Unfortunately, however, the news coming out of the Middle East is that Iran is developing a long-range loafer.” –David Letterman
“People are still discussing the shoe-throwing incident at our president. … It was reported today that the Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. And even worse, it was his shoe-throwing arm. That guy is out for the season.” –Conan O’Brien
[br "President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people can't afford to buy shoes." --Jay Leno
"That Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush the other day said he planned his attack for months. Planned it for months? That's what he said! I mean, take off one shoe. You throw it. You throw the other shoe. He planned it for months. And he still missed both times!" --Jay Leno
[br "The guy is being called a hero in the Arab world. So, he has this plan and it's a failure. And he's a hero. You know, if that's the standard, Bush would be the biggest hero in the Arab world." --Jay Leno
[br "Today, President Bush told reporters that the shoe-throwing incident was one of the weirdest moments of his presidency. Yeah, Bush said the only thing weirder was the time he got re-elected." --Conan O'Brien
"Have you watched this tape? Some people are criticizing the Secret Service, because the shoe thrower caught them off guard. The man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, 'Sorry, but we were laughing our asses off.'" –Conan O'Brien
"This is the country we thought had nuclear weapons. It turns out they have a pair of size 9 Hush Puppies instead." --Jimmy Kimmel "
It's not just President Bush, today somebody threw a pair of shoes at Sarah Palin. And she was very upset. She said, 'Do you have these in black?' and threw them back." --Jay Leno "
I've got to give President Bush credit for this, because he's taking it all pretty well. He says that he's actually happy about the shoe-throwing episode, because he says it proves finally that Iraq does, in fact, possess foot wear of mass destruction." --David Letterman
"It turns out this guy was described as a hot head. He's a guy who is an Iraqi journalist. They say he's a hot head with poor journalistic skills. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own show on Fox News." --David Letterman "Well, folks, looks like we finally found something President Bush is good at. Dodgeball!" --Jay Leno
"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him].
You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he’s never done before. Lean to the left. He’s never done that.” –Jay Leno
“You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he’s got good reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton’s an expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything.” –Jay Leno “
Now, here’s my question, and no offense here, but where was the Secret Service? I mean, shouldn’t they at least have jumped in front of the second shoe? I mean, you know what I’m saying? Come on. Seriously. Aren’t these guys supposed to take a bullet for the president?” –Jay Leno “
See, that’s when Bush realized he was on his way out, when the Secret Service are going, ‘Yeah, we’re guarding the new guy now.’” –Jay Leno
“Well, here’s my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, ‘Let me clarify what happened here.’ He said, ‘In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone’s head is considered an insult.’ Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it’s a huge compliment.” –Jay Leno
“Well, the interesting thing was the journalist who threw the shoe was immediately arrested, and then offered his own show on MSNBC.” –Jay Leno
“Bush is in Baghdad, he’s having a press conference, and a guy, a reporter from Iraq jumps up and starts heaving shoes at the guy. And in Iraqi, or Arabic, he starts screaming, ‘Here’s your farewell kiss, you dog!’ That’s what the guy says. I mean, it was the same goodbye I got from NBC.” –David Letterman
“Right now, they’re trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he’s a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it’s the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn’t even do a background check on him.” –David Letterman
“You’ve got to give Bush credit. I mean, the guy moved pretty quickly. … Too bad he didn’t react that way with bin Laden or Katrina, bin Laden or the mortgage crisis, bin Laden or Afghanistan, bin Laden or the Lehman Brothers.” –David Letterman
I don’t think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the Vietnam War.” –David Letterman “Yesterday, at a press conference in Baghdad, an angry Iraqi threw his shoes at President Bush’s head. Yeah, when he saw the shoes, President Bush said, ‘See, I knew you guys had weapons of mass destruction.” –Conan O’Brien
“The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he’ll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists.” –Conan O’Brien