Monthly Archives: March 2008

EVER WONDER?

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EVER WONDER?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline! “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Scrabble

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This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z’S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK!

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THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK!
1. “Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf%$# you!”
2. “You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.”
3. “Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.”
4. “Well, aren’t we a f*&kin’ ray of sunshine?”
5. “Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.”
6. “EXCUSE ME…Do I look like a people person?”
7. “This isn’t an office. It’s hell with our products!”
8. “I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.”
9. “Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.”
10. “Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?” 11. “I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.”
12. “Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.”
13. “Do they ever shut up on your planet?”
14. “I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable”
15. “Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet”
16. “Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.”
17. “Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.”
18. “I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.”
19. “Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.”
20. “Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality”
21. “Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.”
22. “Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.” 2
3. “You look like shit. Is that the style now?”
24. “Earth is full. Go home.”
25. “Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?”
26. “I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.”
27. “A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.”
28. “You are depriving some village of an idiot.”
29. “If ——- could fly, this place would be an airport!”
30. “Jeez!!! Who lit the fuse on your *****n!”
edited for language – This is meant to be funny. No offense please.

"About Engineers"

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“About Engineers”

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know youhad, in a way you don’t understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to bean undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes insteadof his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that’s what theydid last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and foldup a road map the wrong way.

GENERAL OBSERVATIONS

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————————————————————————————————————————————–GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:————————————————————————————————————————————–I married a Miss Right.I just didn’t know her first name was Always.——————————————————————-
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.It’s called a Wedding Cake.——————————————————————-
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.———————————————————-
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.Then God created Man and rested.Then God created Woman.Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Glazed Pear Snack Cake

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Glazed Pear Snack Cake
Makes 12 servings
Choose fragrant, thin-skinned pears that yield to gentle pressure for this cake.
Ingredients:1 3/4 cups whole-grain pastry flour1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder1/2 teaspoon baking soda3/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg1/8 teaspoon ground cloves1/4 teaspoon salt1/2 cup sugar1 large egg1 large egg white3 tablespoons canola oil3/4 cup reduced-fat buttermilk or fat-free plain yogurt1 teaspoon vanilla extract2 ripe medium pears, peeled and cut into 1/2″ chunks1 teaspoon apple jelly
To Make:Preheat the oven to 350°F. Coat a 9″ x 9″ baking pan with cooking spray.
In a large bowl, stir together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, nutmeg, cloves, and salt. In a medium bowl, whisk the sugar, egg, egg white, and oil until smooth. Whisk in the buttermilk or yogurt and the vanilla. Stir in the pears.
Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and stir just until blended. (The batter will be very soft.) Scrape into the prepared pan.
Bake for 35 to 40 minutes, or until the cake is springy to the touch and shrinks from the sides and a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Let cool 30 minutes on a wire rack. Spoon the apple jelly on top and spread it gently with a pastry brush. Cut into squares and serve the cake warm or cool.

EVER WONDER?

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EVER WONDER?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline! “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Scrabble

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2
This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z’S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS